In the rankings of Homosexual Holidays, Halloween is considered numero uno. In the weeks leading up to that High Holy night of October 31, outlandish costume ideas, party plans and “Hocus Pocus” (the movie, not actual magic) are dominant topics of conversation.
We celebrate a magical night of debauchery, mischief and surprisingly little trick or treating (well, maybe some trick-ing). Then suddenly Halloween is over and nothing screams: “Welcome to November!” more than a walk of shame dressed as a wrecking ball. But don’t get depressed as you wipe the make-up from your face and wash the underwear you wore as pants.
Halloween may be over, but one of the Gayest Holidays we Americans have is now upon us, Thanksgiving.
Here are 10 reasons Thanksgiving is gayer than Halloween:
1. The History: According to this 1950s, 4th grade history book, the first Thanksgiving was basically a brunch. The pilgrims having just moved into the area did not really know where to find a good cornbread frittata and were hungry. Their neighbors, the Natives, knew how to make fabulous food. So the Pilgrims said, “You cook and we’ll provide the table placements and booze.” Also, based on pictures, half the guests were wearing all black and buckles on their shoes and the other half were shirtless.
2. The Night Before: The Restaurant and Bar Association has stated that the night before Thanksgiving is one of the largest money making nights of the year. So justify your Wednesday night drinking and get out there and celebrate with your fellow man(s). You might just meet someone to give… thanks.
3. The Macy’s Parade: Within the first hour of the parade every current Broadway show has trotted out their female lead and a plethora of chorus boys to perform. It only gets gayer from there–The Rockettes, over the top corporate sponsored floats, the cast of Glee and country music stars are just a sampling of what passes before the big daddy man arrives with gifts and a whip, Santa.
4. Classy: On Halloween you wore only face paint and according to pictures may have tried to drink out of a jack o’lantern. Thanksgiving is so much better. Dress up and become intoxicated while holding expensive glassware be it wine glass, champagne flute or gravy boat. Who does not like to feel fancy when drinking! The end result is the same as Halloween, but the hangover is easier to handle when you wake up wearing a tie, not covered in glitter.
5. Mommie Dearest: Halloween is not the only holiday you can be someone else. This year channel your mother. From her cooking to her passive aggressive comments nothing makes a holiday gayer than playing a crazy lady. (Side note: Dressing like your mother is optional.)
6. Food: Always wanted to be on Top Chef? Have a drawer of Rachel Ray’s mashed potato recipes? There are so many options when it comes to creating a Thanksgiving dinner. Dealing with family, try basting your turkey in bourbon. Have a lot of healthy friends; try a raw vegan concoction (you can just drink the bourbon). You already challenge the status quo so why hold back when cooking.
7. Football: This year’s teams read like the village Halloween parade, Cowboys, Raiders, Steelers and don’t get me started on the Packers. But if the team names and the idea of grown men tackling each other and butt slapping don’t do it, make this year’s football games the gayest with a little game called: Is he or is he not wearing a jockstrap? You might never learn the rules of the actual game but you are going to start to love football! Still can’t get into it? The Westminster dog shows airs afterwards…don’t tell me that is for straight people.
8. Thankful: It has been a big year for gay rights from the Supreme Court ending DOMA and striking down Prop 8 to transgender teens being named prom King and Queen. Currently, the Senate wants a vote on ENDA by Thanksgiving. Take a moment and be thankful to live in a world that is changing for the better and for those who keep pushing forward.
9. Family and Friends: Some folks may be visiting related family this holiday but for many the table they find themselves at is full of the family they created. Thanksgiving is about celebrating these people and the life you have created. Raise a glass to your true family. Then drink that glass because you love them but you love them more with wine.
10. The Classic: Heading to your childhood home for Thanksgiving? Feel like Thanksgiving is still not gay enough? Turn that meal right on its heterosexual stuffed turkeys head with the classic: “Hey dad, pass the potatoes, by the way, I’m gay.” A traditional coming out that seems to only be a tradition one year. Happy Thanksgiving!